I used to be one of these. A “Hold All”. This is someone who is over conscientious, does “over care” in a big way and solves problems for people without those people having to lift a finger or use their mind to work it out for themselves. The assumption of the Hold All is that because they can do it quicker, easier, more efficiently and if they do it, it will be done, possibly, the “right way” and of course if they do it, the Hold All knows it has actually been done. And… of course it will take the pressure off the other party who may appear to be “struggling” with their life or process.
These Hold Alls are those of us as who always have answers for our children, are always there and will drop everything to help our children and others work things out. These are the parents that pay the bills for their teenage and young adult children because they believe their kids may be struggling financially on their lower incomes and don’t have enough to pay things like their car rego or insurance and it “takes the pressure off” themselves and their children if they know that these sort of bills are sorted.
I realised this about myself a few times when I had family members make declarations that they would wait until I arrived to make a decision because I would know what to do. The family got used to me sorting out problems. The crunch came when my brother passed away and his daughter hysterically called me at 7 am one morning to tell me that her Dad had died and could I come and work out what to do. I could feel myself pulled in to help and not because of my grief but that it seemed like others didn’t know what to do. My husband made me see reason and get beyond my own sense of obligation. Not only was it a three-day car trip away, but there was his whole family up in Queensland who were there to handle any funeral arrangements. I realized that I had to say no. I wasn’t going to be able to get there to be able to resolve it for them quickly. The message for my niece was to choose and call the funeral directors and they would step them through the process they needed to take and I would be there as soon as I could. They managed through without me and my niece arranged everything and did so very well despite her grief. I wasn’t required to jump to their needs. I didn’t need to feel like I was the only one who could sort it out for them.
I have a few clients who are in the pattern of being Hold Alls and quite often end up like “just another carry bag” and given as much respect as an average carry bag because others have become over reliant on them paying their children’s bills, popping a few extra dollars in their bank account just in case, solving their problems, being there all the time and also eventually at the expense of the Hold All themselves. Quite often the Hold All is the one who keeps carrying the burdens of others and especially when things do not totally work to the satisfaction of those they support because over reliant people become lazy are not always appreciative of the assistance of others and can often never be satisfied. The Hold All seems to remain open to the blames and emotional dumps from those who have become over reliant on them and so they push down the emotions of others and keep going regardless.
It’s time to shift the responsibility. It’s time to make sure others take their share of responsibility for what they need to learn. In fact, how will they learn if someone else always takes responsibility. And… it’s time for the Hold Alls to challenge ourselves to say NO. It’s time to resign from the position of carrying others when it doesn’t always solve their problems, nor help them learn or have any benefit to ourselves as well.
PHEW!! It is such a feeling of freedom to finally make that decision to say NO. It’s like taking off a very, very heavy overcoat with many pockets full of everyone else’s problems that have been weighing you down for years and you didn’t even know you were wearing it until you make the decision and take it off.